127 HOURS.

Danny Boyle's 127 hours is great.

Franco really comes into his own in this role. Given the potentially traumatizing nature of this story, his characters relentless positivity, strength and sense of HUMOR effectively translates the real-life climbers story into something really pretty uplifting (in the not lame way). Even if Boyle had a little too much fun with the fancy split screen edits and random fantasy montages (you'll see what i mean) the film pulled together as a suspenseful and (at times) unapologetically gory thriller.
GO SEE IT!!!! 

Jersey Shore

 

JERSEY SHORE.

We all know it, we all make fun of it. Right.

Before I begin, i want to mention that I've actually watched several episodes of this show, and dont want to trash it (it kindof trashes itself)

I think its fascinating.

It's fairly obvious that these orange people know that they're ridiculous, but holy shit are they getting paid for it.

Incredibly- their self tanning, sparkly shirt wearing, alcoholic lifestyles are appealing to millions of viewers!

 But why? 

There's no story really, the shit is mostly filmed by what appears to be a hand held camera. The drama on the show is frivolous and immature, their all narcissistic and frankly seem like they have brain damage. 

If that's not lame enough, they've starting  fucking AND fighting each other within the same episodes. 

Now that's what Im talking about!

Where some would claim that Jersey Shore is just crass and tacky, some business man decided that this is exactly what our culture wants to see : Some Fighting and Fucking.

And Jersey Shore does not fail to deliver. 

The interesting part about the two F's is that- faithful to film's codes- As much as we're shown glimpses of the girls cleavage, or "the Situation" (name for his abs) and some night vision clips of one of our characters and some slut under sheets, this is NOT a porn..and although it feels like theyre baring it all, we really are just being mesmerized and fooled by cheap camera tricks! 

Similar to the implications of sex, the fights on the show are just as superficial and staged. 

I guess my point is this: The cast of Jersey Shore has never claimed to be anything other than what we mock them for, and are essentially actors on a parody of a reality TV program. 

Jersey Shore's popularity reveals our cultures sheepish stupidity to itself, so who's really being made fun of here?

Spitting on Graves,

I've heard enough about this movie to know that I should go to its screening this thursday, Aug. 19th at Bloor Cinema for the Toronto After Dark festival

http://torontoafterdark.com

My Favourite,

Nosferatu

A Fantasy to end all Fantasies

The Adventures of The Baron of Munchausen (1988)
Dir/ screen writer Terry Gilliam, 
Cast: Sarah Polley, Eric Idle, Robin Williams, Robin Williams, Uma Thurman, Oliver Reed & The Legend: John Neville. 


This is a movie I watched constantly on occasion when I was younger, and I havent forgotten 


one scene. HOWEVER- I don't remember it being so layered and encrypted with political, 
cultural and sexual messages- But what 6 year old would?
So that does make this one of those moments for me. Like the moment you realize that 
everyone who made Alice in Wonderland actually was likely on acid.
Regardless, this is a movie i recommend you own. It's incredibly creative, romantic and at times
dark. Just to give you an example of what "adventures" mean in this film, The first trip the Baron
(re-takes) is to the moon, on a ship turned into a hot air balloon by using 10,000 pairs of women's
underwear. (yeah) Once they (the Baron and like...7 year old Sarah Polley) make it through a
storm where they fly by the Grim reaper..they land in water that really is just a puddle on top of the
sandy surface that is the Moon.  Once they get off of said ship, they walk into some kind of circus
castle, where they're greeted by Robin Williams floating head on a platter in victorian head dress, who is playing the King of the Moon...and is trying to get away from his body.


RIGHT.
This sounds like the kind of thing that the crackheads who hang out at the bus terminal mumble to themselves. But this movie has won a few Oscars...a few of the cast ended up being...pretty successful and the Mise en scene and over all quality of the visual effects make it all wonderful to watch.


So watch it, because it's been 21 years and it's still better than most.

Hatin.

You know what I hate?

I hate when you're eating a wrap, and all the shit falls out of the bottom

I hate it when your pen runs out of ink right when youre writing something important.

I hate it when you're using a toilet with an automatic flusher, and it flushes too soon and sprays your ass. 

I hate it when people do the horns wrong. 

I hate it when you have a huge wedgy in a public place and you cant pick it. 

I hate it when you're stretching back and one of your friends pokes you in the stomach (ruining stretch satisfaction)

I hate it when the radio plays the same shitty song 8 times in one hour. 

I hate the Radio.

I hate it when someone on the bus pushes the "stop" button when the bus is pulling into the bus terminal.

Warm beer. 

I hate it when my cat takes a shit in the litterbox, then jumps out and starts digging at the tile. There's no litter there cat. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! 

I hate when people ask how its going, and you say "not much". 

I hate it when your smoke alarm goes off when you're cooking something that isnt even burnt. 

I hate it when you're taking a picture and your camera waits about 23 seconds before actually going off. 

I hate it when technology is smarter than me.

I hate it when my roommate plays "party in the USA" in the morning. 

I hate it when you try to eat rice with chop sticks. 

I hate it when you bend down to pick something up and drop something else. 

I hate it when you're making out with someone and one of you has a snot that's whistling (carlin, but worth repeating)

I hate it when i get lost in IKEA

I hate when your holding a rose, and one of the thorns stab you. 

I hate it when your mom stop somewhere, and has to park. and all they take is quarters and she doesnt have any, so she makes you go back and do what she was doing. 

I hate it when your cooking bacon and the grease spits burning oil at you. ass hole.

I hate it when guys wear girls pants.

I hate it when someone walks into a movie when it's half way through and starts asking a lot of questions.

I hate it when fat people wear tight clothing, and their fat hangs over their pants.. so you just see the bottom of it hanging out under the shirt. 

I hate when onions make you cry. 

I hate when you hear birds in the morning, then crows come in and start yelling over them.

I hate it when you bite the inside of cheek.

ARGENTO

His Bite was outa sight!!

Meanwhile,

THINGS TRASHY PEOPLE LIKE

TALK SHOWS:
 Being on and/or around the stage of dramatic and shocking talk shows are a must.
Jerry Springer, Rikki Lake, and Montel  are just a few examples of what having the family insest exposed  looks like on national television.




SMOKING CIGARETTES:
Always a favourite hobby, sitting around smoking (the cheapest possible) cigarettes is a good way to rebel against things like health and hygiene


BAD HAIRCUTS: more specifically of the mullet variety.
- Grown out and obvious roots- not to suggest that they dont care...More so that they put TOO much effort into the wrong things. (like maintaining corn rows, and mullets)


WHITE BEATERS (for wife beatings)
Women should be put in their place. You need the right clothing to do that in the right way.


 (MUSIC VARIES FROM GROUP TO GROUP BASED ON ORIGIN OF SAID TRASH)
But more or less it boils down to either:
- 80's HAIR METAL BANDS (and wearing their t-shirts)
- Country Music
or
- early 90's rap groups who didnt QUITE make it. (MONTEL JORDAN)


GOLD HOOP EARINGS:
High FASH ON


A VARIETY OF CHILDREN (from a variety of men)




MAINTAINING FOOD STAINS ON CLOTHING (in the mouth region generally)


BAD TEETH


BAD TATTOOS


CHEAP BEER (SHOT GUNNING IT)


PLENTY OF HAIRSPRAY


CHEMICALLY ENHANCED FOODS:
McDonalds is real food


WELFARE (LIVING OFF OF IT)


LACK OF GENERAL TASTE


TRUCKZ


VARIOUS DRUG ADDICTIONS (All kinds of drugs)


TEENAGE PREGNANCIES


(MEN) OVER SIZED PANTS
(WOMEN) UNDERSIZED EVERYTHING


POLITICALLY INCORRECT VIEWS (yelling them)


LITTERING


RHINESTONES


DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL


GOING TO THE MALL TO PICK UP CHICKS


WRESTLING


SOUPING UP NEONS


FIGHTING


STRIPPING


SMALL TOWNS


PORN (Being in it)


BEING OBNOXIOUS IN PUBLIC:
I'm sure it was really hot and everything, but the entire bus doesnt want to hear about how he was nailing you on the pick nick bench you have out beside the trailer at 4PM on a sunday. Shhh




BEING OUT OF SHAPE (in the worst ways)


EXCESSIVE TEXT MESSAGING


SUPERSTITION: Youtube Leprocaun in alabama


WALMART:
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS NEED MORE STUFF YOU DONT NEED


MATCHING (EVERYTHING)


"Sweat" PANTS AND TRACK SUITS IN PUBLIC
I don't know about you, but seeing 'PRINCESS" or "JUICY" on the ass of a pair of terry cloth track pants just makes me jealous. Really jealous.

It's a Man's world

And this guy here... is the man.

oops! My marxstake,

"Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."

"you can't change the world without thoroughly understanding it." Karl Marx, (sorry for dropping your book into the lake)

colour your mind

HURT'N LOCKER

Alright. You know I'm a hater, so I guess I'm expected to go off on a rant here, but you know what? I actually enjoyed the Hurt locker. It was entertaining and got my heart beating fast which is what it's all about right? But adrenaline rush or not, I will admit I felt very confused by this movie.

I don't usually give a flying fuck about the Oscars, but I did happen to watch them this year out of pure indifference- and was amazed by how much attention and praise this movie got!
Avatar was pretty good (you'll notice there has been no Avatar hatin' on this blog) - and still the Hurt Locker came first many times that night! WTF?!
I decided then and there that i must see this movie.
Well, after 90 minutes of 'splosions and shooting, I found myself wondering if someone was going to jump in front of the camera at the end and say "JUST KIDDING!!"

In summary, the movie is basically a combination of UFC and Team America...except serious, and seriously obnoxious!
I really thought that with the whole eliminate President Bush...charge 5 cents for a plastic bag...nominate women for Oscars...black president thing going on in North America these days, that we'd gotten over being overly macho tools.
APPARENTLY NOT. It's not that the movie itself is bad, the cinematography is sharp, the acting is half decent and the plot is ok? That's not the issue, the issue is that we're caught up in the drama of a poor lonely soldier who, at first a mystery to the rest...we will slowly learn has great bomb disarmng skills...when that really doesnt matter compared to the real story here- which is:
we're cheering for a few jaded psychopaths who are stuck in a desert blowing up "enemies" and they have NO fucking clue why they're there! In the movies' deffense, I did notice that they had addressed some of the redundancy of the whole war, and I'm sure that spoke to many in society, but still every association made with anyone who wasnt a American soldier was narrow minded and condescending at best. THAT attitude is what is the joke to me, that's what is still very much alive in America. And it scares the shit out of me.
Anyway, we do love entertainment, so as long as you can seperate the suicide bombers with the UFC triangle holds, enjoy yourselves-

Gimee the loot!

Getting robbed is never really something you expect to happen to you..especially on a really busy street corner, walking with your friend and a bike on a tuesday night.
I want to say first- that I ALMOST was mugged by four (4) guys (who were really not helping to stop any stereo types) but wasnt in the end - and am very.. very lucky.
But I mean, what the fuck Toronto- these guys were amateurs.
I actually had to stop halfway between - "hey stop bitches" and "how much loot you got in your bag" and wonder to myself, hang on, am i getting fucking robbed here? or hit on, or what...
BAD FORM, THIEVES
If you're actually going to rob someone, dont stand around and chat about it. I have shit I could be doing.


....Second: Repeatedly saying things like "dont make me make a scene" and "i've done this before ok" arent really that scary.
In fact, the more you're saying it, the less I believe you and the more i think you're a gigantic vagina. Hence: Mugging failure.

Third: I literally took out my wallet, opened it and showed it to these four fine gentlemen, explaining that I didnt have any cash, and therefor they were robbing the wrong people. They proceded to stare at the wallet like it was something on display in a fucking infomercial.
C'MON. If you were really that desperate, you would've snatched it out of my hand like crack to a crack head. Or grocery coupons to a senior..


Over all, i give this mugging attempt 2.6 /10 on the afraid-o-meter.

ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

I would say this is the best, or atleast my favorite Bruce Lee movie.

Simply because Bruce kicks serious ass the entire time, and the priceless 70's film quality and effects.

Machine Girl (2008)

Like, Her ARM is a fucking machine gun!!!!!!!
Nuff' said! watch this!

SHOGUN ASSASSIN (1980)

SHOGUN ASSASSIN or (lone-wolf and cub) is my all time favorite ninja/samurai movie.
Like most legends, It begins with a tragedy and becomes a story about a man and his family being banished from town and running for their lives.
This is really an excuse for Lone-wolf and his 5 year old son "cub" to kill as many people as possible in the time it takes him to seek revenge (for said tragedy).
The dubbing is ridiculous, (which kind of just makes it more incredible) along with the fact that:

- Everything is over exaggerated. From the blood spraying, sound effects, 80's techno soundtrack and over the top drawn out deaths...
-40 VS 1 fight scenes that last about 7 minutes each..
- And on going body count taken by cub.. (probably the most hard core 5 year old you could find)

Basically, if you're into Kung Fu, (or claim to not suck in general) Just find this movie and watch it!!!

- Danielle Marie III

For the Lovairs,

Valentine's Day.

"every day, another sucker is born" - Hunter S. Thompson

This applies to people who actually take Valentine's day seriously.
It's right up there on the long list of things we learn later on is absolute bullshit:
Santa Claus is watching you (creepy),
Columbus was a hero,
"we're your real parents"...
Jesus is going to save you,
"happily ever after"
"Those jeans look great on you"..
Romantic Comedies are realistic...
All of these things have one thing in common: They are fantasies. (or just straight up white lies)


Valentine's Day is no exclusion.

If i'm not mistaken, the whole point of the day is to honour your loved one, and make some kind of "extra effort", right?
Well, what that basic idea has actually morphed into is "better get me something good, or you're an ass hole" day.
And it gets worst every fucking year..just like Christmas, it's never about the actual point: which is treat each other well. Now it's about buying expensive shit that you dont need, and feeling put under pressure.
As a lady, I think the whole thing is just really awkward, and has probably caused more problems than it's solved to be honest.
February already has enough problems without shoving this high pressure expiry date in the middle of it.
There's only 28 days...it's black history month, it's cold, it's grey, it's depressing...did we really need Valentine's day too? REALLY.

If you also hate valentines day, find some creative way to ignore that it's happening!!
- Arrange to leave town conveniently..
- Watch lots of movies (that are either related or unrelated to romance) ..your choice
Antonioni movies (photos above) are a good choice, because of their slightly cynical, but intriguing take on love and life.
- Hang out around your family - Nothing could possibly kill a romantic thought faster than being around your mother while she's sitting there complaining about her thyroid...
- Drink some wine or beer, just to take the edge off.


And then it'll be over, and you can carry on living your life! (Until that egg hiding bastard comes along in a few months for Easter..)
The point here, is that you dont/shouldnt need ONE day per year to evaluate someone or yourself as a lovair.
If you're not a total spaz, your relationship should be just fine whether or not you get a heart shaped box of chocolates that (lets be honest,) you probably bought for sale form Shopper's Drug mart ..
And if V-day does matter that much, then you were fucked anyway and flowers weren't going to help.

- Sincerely,
Danielle Marie III

Hey Lloyd,

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - John Cusack, High Fidelity

Nothing can say it better than music...or John! Which brings me to today's topic:
For the Valentines Edition, I think John Cusack should get some recognition for all of the tender yet undeniably cool "grunge - romances?" he's been a part of

Say Anything
Serendipity
High FIdelity
The sure thing
Sixteen Candles

They may be retro at this point, but fuck it- i have yet to find anything quite as down to earth and straight up adorable.

Here's to you Lloyd,

THINGS OLD PEOPLE LIKE: Part II

Oh! The List continues..

10) Soft foods: As we all know, teeth are one of the more precious and temporary things in life. No one gets that like seniors, that's why they stock up on apple sauce, soup and anything mashed!

11) Coupons: These discount dwellers aren't about to pass up the 30% off saver section in the paper. If you're a cashier at somewhere like No Frills or Zellers I feel bad for you.

12) Cooking/Baking: Old people (the ladies in particular) are WICKED cooks/bakers. It's just inherent in their oldness...don't ask questions.


13) Bridge: they will destroy you at Bridge or rummy or bingo or scrabble. Don't you even TRY it.


14) Getting Ripped off: NOBODY falls for Infomercials like Old people. Is that karma for being such brutal drivers? I dont know...just saying.

15) Practicality over fashion: One thing you learn above all when you get saggy in so many different ways is that your midevil Fashion techniques hurt you in ways no 20 year old could EVER UNDERSTAND. Rock those high wasted panties and orthopaedic shoes babe'ma, you've earned it.

16) Florida: WHAT THE FUCK IS IN FLORIDA THAT OLD PEOPLE LOVE SO MUCH?!!?!?! This is the greatest senior mystery of all, but I cant help but think that I must be missing out... So let's see: It's sunny, there's an entire land of people dressed up like cartoon characters with its own currency...there are delicious oranges and it's a city with a population of roughly half criminals and half retired golfin' types. Sounds about right!

17) Cats: MEWOUR!!!! I think the main reason that old people like to own several/have pictures of/live for/die for their cats is they're basically the animal version of a Senior Citizens!
- They nap (a lot..)
- Keep things tidy
- Prefer soft/wet food
- Have hair in weird places
- can't drive
etc, etc.. And you know what, I have respect for that connection- it's lovely.


18) Golf: YOU'RE RETIRED!! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS THERE TO DO!
Honestly though, Golf courses are great, it's one of the only enclosed areas where its socially acceptable to move as slow/drive as badly/get up as early as old people do. Plus, since the golfers are so well spread out on the course, you can get away with that hearing loss problem!


19) Senior citizen organizations ie: Tours are cute because it's like a buddy system for the elderly.
There are two common times in life when you have the freedom/money to travel the world. One is around the college years, and the other is (you guessed it) AFTER you've had/gotten rid of your 4 kids,been through two divorces and have finally retired from the job you'e hated for the past 38 years, you can finally go see the Eiffel tower! GET OUT THERE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!


20) Seminars on various things: Now that they have all of this free time, they can finally learn how to properly assemble flower arrangements..or paint a self portrait. What? Thats nice.



21) The Church: Much like the bingo hall, discount stores, golf courses and retirement homes; the Church is a "Senior Safe Zone". Plus, you cant out-religious an old person... They've got all the hymns memorized, know all the priest personally (if you know what i mean..) and probably have more guilt than you thought humanly possible!


22) Perms and Short Haircuts (to the elderladies' ): I'm not sure what they have against long, straight hair..but these foxes are all about short, curly, stinky, chemically, crusty, greyish fucking hair! Whatever it is, it's hot and KEEP DOING IT


23) Napping: In section 167 of the life manual: You are entitled to unlimited napping after age 55.


24) Dentures


25) Plenty of Fibre


26) Being Thoughtful



27) Swiss Chalet


28) TV Guides


29) Book Clubs

30) Literally having Tea parties

31) Vaporizers

32) Small China trinkets

33) Over Sized Sunglasses (but not in the Hollywood, fashion forward kind of way)

34) Having trouble with ANY kind of technology

35) Opaque Stockings

36) Suspenders

37) Tic Tacs

38) Hanker chiefs

39) Gentle Swear words..for example: "dear me" "oh dear" "goodness gracious"

40) A glass of warm milk

41) Mild/Moderate exercise

42) Complaining: